I Tried A Bunch Of Boner Pills And Nearly Blacked Out
IN-BOX #2: The Boner Issue
The sun was setting as I casually examined the boner pills I’d been sent to review from a popular sex toy company.
Prior to their anticipated arrival at my doorstep, my experience with sexual enhancement pills was limited. Specifically, to the time an ex purchased several for his brother-in-law at a convenience store near his apartment. Apparently, he was too embarrassed to purchase them himself, but he swore by their effectiveness.
I was surprised by this testimony, as I’d always been skeptical of non-prescription boner pills. Something about the fact that they can be purchased with a bag of Cheetos never sat right with me. The packaging doesn’t help either, brandishing the aesthetic equivalent to an Affliction t-shirt, complete with rhinos, cobras, a horrendously punny name and ambitious promises like increased ejaculation loads, superhuman endurance, and an erection that’s harder than ever. Pshh.
According to the package, the boner pill I was about to swallow contained all-natural ingredients (something I came to find means nothing; more on that later), so I took it with a glass of water and posted what I’d done on Twitter because I’m a chronic oversharer.
Curious, I asked Gay Twitter if they thought the pills would work: 36 percent of the 130 voters said yes and 64 percent said no.
About 15 to 20 minutes after posting, a hedonistic wave washed over my body. I felt light-headed, as if I was stoned, and incredibly horny. Not sure what to do with this sudden burst of sexual energy, I rushed to my closet and put on my favourite jock strap because we damn well know all gays have one.
Feeling myself, I snapped some sexy pics and sent them to my boyfriend. I then selected the least offensive of the bunch and posted it on Twitter, which is very unlike me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m a habitual thirst-trapper, but I’ve never in my life posted in anything as revealing as a jockstrap.
I then lit a candle, accessed one of my favourite Just For Fans accounts (project_durden_ if you’re curious), and splayed a assortment of sex toys across my bed. It was about to go down.
As soon as I started, I noticed I was more aggressive than usual. My body was hungry, insatiable. I’d gone further than I normally do and actually felt accomplished when all was said and done.
The session felt like it had been enhanced, only I recall experiencing these sensations in my head and body, not my nether region. I felt like I’d taken an edible then downed half a bottle of wine.
I don’t think I “lasted” any longer than normal, but that’s probably because I’ve never been quick to climax. When I did cum, though, it was an event. I’d go as far as to say it was volcanic. I don’t know if this is because of the supplement, or because it had been a couple days since I’d last touched myself, but there was a lot more to clean up. Nothing my days-old cum rag couldn’t handle. (Kidding! Well…kind of.)
Based on my observations, I’d argue the pills had worked to some extent. But as time wore on, I developed a bit of a headache. Nothing severe, but it was definitely there. I decided to draw a bath to relax, because even when I’m fucking myself, I want to feel loved and cared for.
As I soaked in the tub, I visited Twitter, which I routinely do every 10 minutes for reasons I’m still not sure, and saw that my earlier post had a received more engagement than I anticipated.
In addition to the compliments that I’ve grown dependent on (thank ya’ll! <3), people said I was “brave” for agreeing to review these boner pills.
I won’t lie, these comments made me freak out a little bit. The light-headedness I’d experienced prior suddenly felt overwhelming. I tried to make myself sick to get whatever was in those pills out of my system. Thankfully, the toilet is right next to the tub.
After unsuccessfully trying to purge these “natural” ingredients from my body, I managed to settle down and do some research. More than anything, I wanted to know if these pills were safe.
It turns out, there’s no way of knowing for sure. Since none of these over-the-counter pills are regulated by the FDA, there’s a large degree of variability in safety and efficacy. That means these pills may easily contain harmful substances and/or ingredients higher than their recommended dose. (Vice did a quick doc on the topic if you want to check it out.)
A lot of over-the-counter male enhancement pills, particularly the ones people find most effective, are made with a mix of FDA-approved active ingredients used for ED treatment as well as natural herbal ingredients that encourage blood flow to the penis. So they can be effective. The problem is, you don’t know what or how much you’re getting. The labels can say “all-natural,” but since they aren’t regulated, they can say whatever the hell they want, basically.
For these reasons and more, individuals with underlying health conditions, take medication, and have high or low blood pressure should be especially cautious, as the nitrates in these medications, when combined with male enhancement pills, can cause blood pressure levels to dangerously drop.
If you’re interested in natural sexual enhancements, opt for ingredients like Epimedium sagittatum (aka: horny goat weed), which is said to remedy low libido levels and sexual performance issues. Or L-Arginine, which is an amino acid that encourages blood flow to the penis, and Tribulus terrestris (aka: puncture vine) which enhances sex drive. Other ingredients that have also proven effective through clinical trials are ginseng, maca and yohimbe.
Ultimately, given my own experience and exchanging notes with others, I advise you take these supplements at your own risk. If it were up to me, I’d say don’t try them at all, but I can’t tell you what to do. I’m not your dad (but I can be 😈.)
If you do choose to try the pills, please do your research. The FDA has a published list of tainted products that can be searched by ingredient and brand name. So start there.
Generally speaking, you don’t want to purchase these items from Amazon (since researchers have already identified over 10,000 different male enhancement supplements on the site) or a convenience store. Instead, try a reputable online retailer, or an actual supplement shop. Somewhere that you can speak to someone who actually knows their product.
As it turns out ya’ll were right: these bodega boner pills are just as suspicious as they seem. While not all of them bad, there’s no way of knowing which are effective and which are dangerous.
If you do experience issues that you believe could be remedied by medication, consult a physician. There are plenty of effective options to choose from.
That’s all this time, my beloved gays. See you next month!
Monthly Reads
Why Do Some Gays Insist That Nobody Is Vers?
You’ve seen the memes, or perhaps you’ve been subject to the judgement yourself. Despite representing the majority of queer men, a surprising number of queers don’t believe that anyone is truly versatile. As porn actor Jeremy Feist observes, “If you’re anything other than a total top, you’re immediately cast into bottom territory.”
After speaking with psychotherapist, Dr. Daniel Olavarria, as well as many self-identified versatile men, I came to realize the roots of this subject goes far deeper than I anticipated.
Why Are Gay Men Obsessed With Daddies?
Gays sure love themselves a daddy, don’t they? I’ve certainly dated my fair share, though none of which worked out and were bona fide disasters. In this article for RIDE Lubricant, I write about these humbling experiences and explore the daddy fascination with queer therapist Dr. Joe Kort as well as a number of thoughtful gay men whose theories were as plentiful as they were provocative.
Learning To Love Myself With Sex Toys During The Pandemic
As the wise RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?” Given that I’ve had zero physical intimacy in the last several months, I took this phrase literally and bravely worked my way through every single sex toy I’ve received in my near decade as a sex writer (and girl, I’m exhausted). In accomplishing this ambitious task, I’ve learned a lot of valuable information about my body as a source of pleasure. I’ve built such a knowledge, in fact, that I predict I’ve become a better lover for it. But, until she’s vaccinated, that’s still TBD.
Toy Box
Manta by Fun Factory
I’m not exaggerating when I say this claw-looking toy is the best thing to happen to my penis during the pandemic. About eight months in, I got bored with masturbating (which is understandable, considering I was averaging about two to three JO sessions a day) and my cock was desperate for something different. I decided to give the Manta a shot and, well, I’ve used it every time I’ve masturbated since.
The Manta’s greatest feature is its flexible silicone wings, which fits to cocks of all shapes and sizes. When used at the base of the shaft, the Manta provides deep and intense vibrations throughout the entire penis. Or, you can do what I like to do, and flutter the tip of the device along your frenulum, on the underside of your penis, just below the head. I’ve also successfully used the Manta to stimulate my prostate via the perineum and it’s a fantastic option for edging.
Much like myself, the Manta is truly a vers icon (wink).
Great article and thanks for sharing
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